warning:: family stuff and sort of abuse you have been warned
i also apologize for whining so much
don't have to read this, it just feels good to let it out. ;v; ♥EDIT
:: i talked to the therapist and they see in a complete gray just like i do, rather black and white. he's actually fairly smart and didn't treat me like i'm 13 so i'm glad about that.
i may end up going down, but i'm not entirely sure how i feel yet. we'll seee..
remember that thing about going to my mom's?!
yeah! funny story actually
i'm not going.
i just called her because he wanted to say something about game systems but he wasn't home,
soo we ended up talking about the shrink he's been going to lately.
i normally wouldn't make this journal
but i am just
so upset right now
i don't even know what to do with myself.
roughly three-four years ago...Xallumz
and me were in the kitchen... doing... i don't know, probably getting food. my brother comes along.
something happened-- i don't remember what but it was a blur, and i think i joked and he got mad.
he shoved me against the kitchen sink...and. well my brother's a big buy. he's over 6 foot and roughly 300 pounds so i was terrified.
i smacked him. lightly mind you, i was pinned, so i couldn't do much else.
he went into a fit of rage, grabbed me by my fucking neck and THREW me on the ground. IN FRONT OF MY GIRLFRIEND.
i screamed and cried-- i didn't really know what else to do, it was a call of help from my mom and she usually comes rushing to noises like that, so she did.
he got angry, faked like he was leaving the house and stomped out.
he just went for a walk to calm down and came right back and everybody acted like nothing happened!
i forgot about it. forgave him. his EXCUSE was one of his friends died or something so i guess that gave him the right to lash out at me for no reason.
that all aside, apparently the subject was brought up to his therapist.
now let me note.
when i was at my mom's house. my word was the reason he is living there and not in a homeless shelter. MINE. i offered him kindness, friendship, i consoled him and made sure he was okay and promised i'd protect him as much as i could.
he's my brother! i love him and i've looked up to him for as long as i remember so why wouldn't i offer him all of my kindness and love?? i'd never seen him so beaten down in my life.
he tells this therapist.
that i. TOOK A KNIFE. to him. and that's why he hurt me.
he claims it was self defense.
even though xal was right there. WATCHING.
oh and the greeeeated part is that my brother is the biggest fucking liar in the world and this guy actually believes
he permits him to sit around all day on his ass and do nothing while my mother whom is 50+ years old with MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS DOES ALL THE WORK AROUND THE HOUSE.
she can't feel her fingers or feet and she has trouble walking. stress makes her get worse. she's tired all the time. she also has hypothyroidism, and she's depressed to boot.
and now i'm being dragged into this mess again. and now i have to talk to his therapist. TO BACK MYSELF UP.
see-- i have anxiety attacks a lot. i can't sleep a lot because of them.
talking to people like that sends me over the edge and makes me sick.
i don't want to talk to this asshole but he's obviously an amateur without any common sense if he's throwing trust in this man.
mason is a good ass liar and knows when to put on a show when it's needed. that's how he's fucking 25 and hasn't worked to keep himself up a day in his life!
i'm. SO. TIRED.
i just don't want to deal with this anymore
it makes me sick. like i see people complain about oh boo hoo my mommy is making me do chores. yeah that's great i'd do chores 24/7 if it meant having a stable happy family again.
i miss my dad.
i need help.